Having grown up an only child in the no man's land where Huron, Erie, and Lorain
counties meet I did what any other child loner would do. Walk and Dream. Miles and
miles of out of business farms and abandon barns filled with overgrowth and the
feelings of residual memories provided my over active imagination with hours of
nonsensical fun.
Feeling out of touch with other kids my age I withdrew into my artistic endeavors.
From an early age I gained a certain amount of success drawing caricatures of my
parents crazy biker friends as well as the night mere images of my own disturbed
imagination. This made me popular with these older friends of mine. I was soon asked
to design tattoos for people long before I was old enough to get one myself.
After years of studying the visual arts and taking classes around the Oberlin college
campus I left the world of visual art. Partly because my color blindness made me feel
inadequate when painting and the simple fact that I was feeling like there was
something more to what I was supposed to do. That other something was music.
GOD,MUSIC, and the DEVIL.
By age 15 I began to teach my self guitar and piano. Via notation books and books
of music theory and so forth. So I guess you could say I learned composition before I
learned to play an instrument. This would be my strong point to this present day. I am
far from a virtuoso player. That, however, does not discourage me.
I went on to play in various new wave bands in the late 80's of no particular
consequence until I found religion at age 18 and learned how to think like a dogma
addicted fundamentalist. During this time I sang in the church choir and occasionally
played guitar to southern gospel songs about trying to stay out of hell.
The 10 years that I spent in the church were always very lonely. I was lying to
myself about the evils of the wrong kind of music. I loved unusual sounds. Sonorities
that most folks consider ugly and annoying. The classes I took in college turned me
onto avant guard, modern classical, free jazz, and most of all John Cage. I soon began
to think of myself as a Christian mystic composer like Oliver Messiaen. I composed
constantly. It was the only thing that I felt comfortable doing. Being alone and putting
notes on to staff paper. I was still feeling alone. Even in the Church of God. My music
was always considered wrong. I wasn't applying myself to the right kind of musical
playing that would make me a fruitful servant of the Lord. So I left the church feeling like
I was failing God. An all too familiar feeling. And I still feel like the man who put his hand
on the plow and looked back and is no longer worthy of the kingdom of God.